I understand deals as much as the next American consumer, but the excuses we use to sink into complete anarchy are ridiculous. In the past few years, we've seen people literally kill each other over toys. During these times, the security and police force swell to the size of an army wherever there are stores, and mini-malls. On Nov 28th, 2008 Black Friday found new meaning when Jdimytai Damour, was trampled to death while unlocking the doors during a Black Friday sale. Of course a lot of people didn't hear about this, because he has too many consonants at the beginning of his name for the public to care. What store was that? Wal-Mart.

"Our prices are lower than my self esteem"

Since it seems to become more dangerous in the madness every year, I give you this offereing:

5 Ways to not get killed on Black Friday 

• 5. Plan ahead, wear comfortable clothing (preferably riot gear), know the store well, and have a plan of attack. If you know where everything is going to be, that reduces the amount of time that you will have to run around 500 other panicked adults, who are trying to find way to keep their kids busy long enough to have sex from start to finish without hearing a child asking them for something.

                      by Viking Spawn

"I am ready to shop."

• 4. Don't bring your kids, they will confuse, and slow things down. Toys, and other items marketed towards children are scientifically researched, and designed to attract their attention. Bringing them to the store during a sale is like bringing a STARVING MAN to a STEAK HOUSE. Would it make sense to get mad at him for reaching for a baked potato? The poor bastard is hungry, and you're an asshole for bringing him. Most importantly, it's getting more dangerous every year in these sales, and don't think that the season will keep child predators from going out and finding a way to ring in the new year with your little Billy. People are distracted, and often ignore their children to avoid causing scenes, but this could be a recipe for disaster.

• 3. Most stores use a bait and switch method of luring unsuspecting customers into their stores. The last place you want to be, is in front of a socio-economically oppressed man, who feels that obtaining an array of cheaply assembled plastic in the likeness of a 12 inch Female American Consumer, is going to repair the damaged relationship between his daughter, and himself. This man is likely to have a gun tucked somewhere between his family jewels, and his anus. When he discovers that the store purposefully only stocked 300 units at a low low price, only to run out and push their substantially less popular "Back Alley Betsy" doll, he'll be fatally wounding innocent shoppers in no time.
  (I'm actually waiting to see all of the different things that FOX news will try to blame on terrorists this year.)

• 2. Coordinate with others. Bring your friends and make sure that everyone knows what they're going for. There is safety in numbers, and you can assign each group, or individual a section to search, and retrieve. If you do it right it can be done in less than 30 minutes, and carpooling in someone's mini-van not only saves space, but also gives you the ability to pretend that you are some sort of twisted X-Mas shopping A-Team. Yes, I would love to see pictures of shoppers dressed as Mr. T.

-by goldberg

"YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG"

• 1. Stay the hell home. A lot of stores are selling their merchandise online now, and for great prices. Some stores are even selling at low prices early online just to beat the competition. Some of the stores will let you order online, and then go pick it up locally with little, or no hassle. Just beware of shifty store tactics. Be ready to give the finger if you're about to get roped into something shady. If you do well, you won't be dead on November 27th of this year. ;)
  

I hope my 5 ways can be of help to a few people. If you have to do anything, do it safely.

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